serious food for thought

A discussion with a friend today got me thinking about a controversial issue. Now if you are African ( at least southern African I am not aware of the cultures in other parts of Africa) you will be aware of the custom of paying the bride price. This is when a man decides he wants to marry a woman and approaches her family with gifts and in modern days hefty amounts of money and cattle as bride price. It is only after paying these that you get your wife and take her home with you. Now some feminists have made so much noise about this practice saying it oppresses women, that men treat women like objects because they say that they “paid “ for them. it’s all good and true in some instances but I would like to offer a different argument to the subject.

I told my friend that if I had known what marriage was like I would have insisted that he charges much more than he did for my bride price and he laughed out loud. Called me crazy but I gave him my reasoning and the conversation went something like this: (p.s my friend is married as well)

Enchante: sha if i knew what marriage was like i would have insisted that my father charges much more!

friend:iwe uri benzi chairo ( you are crazy)

Enchante: say what you want but you guys have it easy

Friend: u figure we have it easy? i might just love this argument

Enchante: yes, and dont give me BS about the expectation to provide for the family, its ancient, women work as hard. in fact we have 3 full time jobs, at work, being a mother, wife to you and a fourth, housekeeping. and all are done simultaneously, everyday, for the rest of our lives

Friend:i think the problem that u are having is that u are suggesting u guys go it all alone and we basically play no part AT ALL

Enchante: i dont know about you sha, but the average african man will get home and either start flipping thru channels or read the paper, you are lucky if he plays with the kids, then expects a hot meal in front of him, doesnt know what happens to the dishes afterwards, goes into the bedroom expects tactics of pornographic film quality and wakes up the next morning asking where the hell his blue shirt is not knowing or caring who washed or ironed it and off to work he goes. am i lying?

Friend:k, b4 i reason out, how would u have that scene played out instead? PS, i laughed!!!!

Enchante: well i would expect that when i get home, he immediately takes the kids so i have time to cook ( or even better once in a while he offers to cook) then after we eat he helps clear out the dishes, i can do the dishes while he puts them away, trust me after that i would be more than will to perform wonders in the bedrum coz i wont be as tired also i would feel appreciated

Friend: k, well, honestly speaking i can tell u men are like kids, they are not born with a nature that is fatherly or husbandly, unlike u our partners u are born with the instinct and it only but grows, u have to educate us on your needs and expectations at times, i have been told once in a while, not saying am good coz at times i just do the dishes wrong but i get to do it coz i have been informed that it helps save energy and allows for some action after hours, lol

Enchante: well you see there are few men (like u perhaps) who after being told that a little help is appreciated, actually go ahead and help. most just nod but never do it. i will tell you that one time my hubby cooked and his son laughed his lungs out and said "daddy havabike" (daddy doesn’t cook) imagine my horror. what kind of a man am i raising, what kind of husband will he be?

so dear readers, and i will insist invite comments on this one, what are your views? should the bride price be scrapped and men and women treat each other with consideration or while men will behave badly anyway they might as well pay for our services?

Is forgiving someone a sign of weakness?

Ok I never thought I would go back to this subject but it seems inevitable that I do. Those of you who have been following this blog will know that I had a messy break-up with my bestie and things just got downright ugly. And I told myself I was done with it, done and dusted and moving on. For a while I was, for several months I didn’t think much about it. I would always wonder of course what would happen if we were to meet. But I didn’t dwell much on it. But somewhere along the line I realized that I was no longer holding onto the grudge. Suddenly all the hurtful things that were said didn’t seem to matter anymore and truth is I kinda missed my friend. After all she had been my anchor for all of 9 years. 9 of the most important years of my life so far, when I made that transition from a giggly teen to a woman. Its tough to just throw away that batch of memories.

Anyway we have started talking again, baby steps, nothing too hectic. Now my issue now is my other friends, (we have this whole SATC thingy going on- me being Carrie of course) are giving me grief for forgiving her. They were there for me during the worst part of it, with boxes of Kleenex and supportive words. They took me dancing and got me sloshed and filled all the gaps she left. So maybe I should understand them being territorial about me and not wanting to see me get hurt again. But what I don’t understand is how they decided that my ability to forgive is a sign of weakness! How is that possible? Isn’t forgiveness supposed to be a noble, self-liberating decision? I am confused here, anyone to help me out?