Random musings

Its been gnawing in my head all day today, incessantly as if taunting me. Until I just had to give in, weak I know but believe me I tried to resist. So I gave in and dug deep into the buried recesses of junk and found it. it was almost like I was possessed because once I made the decision to look for it I got some superhuman strength to lift things and excavate it. I say excavate because I had indeed buried it, away from prying eyes and inquisitive hands. Then there it was… I cannot begin to explain the surge my heart did when I felt its cold cover against my hands. With hands trembling with excitement I opened the yellowed pages and breathed in deeply the musty smell of old pages and ink long dried. For a moment I was transfixed, taken back to a time when I was young and carefree. I sat down and started reading, then I couldn’t stop. I read about the feelings that I had 7 or more years ago. It felt foreign at first as if I was reading about someone else, but the more I read the more the memories came flooding back. And I was there back in the moment and I knew exactly what had been happened. For a moment I felt a stab of guilt at reliving old feelings, as if I am betraying my current trusts. But there has to be a reason why I have held on to an old scrapbook/diary for the last eleven years, when I feel like I am no longer sure of the direction that I am navigating this ship of my life, I always refer back to it for a campus. It helps me keep grounded. It reminds me of whom I set out to be, a fact which sometimes the cares of this world make me forget. Maybe I am just trying to hold on to my past, refusing to grow up. But there are time when what we think is being grown up is actually losing sight of who we are in the first place. So I read and read and I recognized familiar emotions. I got in touch with that girl that I was. In fact it’s the best thing that I have done all weekend, and I am grateful that I have my yellowed, dusty book to take me down memory lane, to things that my natural memory has left fade in the background. I realized, I started blogging long before I knew how to use the internet!