Bitching session

oh its one of those days. i feel extremely annoyed and i want to lash out yet i know society ( and the sanctity of friendships) forbids me from doing that. how do i go from perfectly laid out plans which are completely in my control to being at someone else's mercy and whims? call me a control freak if you like but i like to have some certainty and control over the things that i do especially if those things require my financial input!

i am too upset to continue with this thread, dont worry i wont put a gun to my head!

Balancing act

I took a day off work yesterday. I was feeling a bit under the weather so I just rolled over in bed and went back to sleep until 12 midday! Now that is bliss! The time at home gave me a chance to just appreciate life. I mean the usual bustle and tumble of weekend with people to visit, friends to entertain etc always leaves you breathless after a weekend. But a Monday at home, with DH (Darling Hubby) safely at work and my LO (little one) behaving remarkably well was too good not to enjoy. I spent the afternoon curled up on the couch watching old movies with a blanket. I cuddled my LO and smelt his hair (isn’t it wonderful how baby hair always smells divine!) and received a thousand wet kisses coz he couldn’t believe mummy was home for another day. To sum it all up, I had a wonderful restful day and I thanked God for the gift of life.

The whole encounter just makes me interrogate again the thought that is somehow always at the back of my mind. Would I be able to survive being a SAHM (stay-at-home-mum) or would I be bored to my wit’s ends? I know for sure that it would be blissful the first few days, weeks even but I cant imagine doing that on a permanent basis. I mean it would be lovely to be able to pick the kids from school, play with them a bit, help them with homework and then prepare a scrumptious meal for when DH comes home. But lets face it, once you have tasted the freedom of the workplace its difficult to just sit and play housewife. I always think of how my mother with everything that’s going on here absolutely refused to retire from her teaching job, says she would rather work for nothing that drive herself crazy by staying at home. Of course for me the ideal would be the best of both worlds, do mornings only or work from home as some fabulous, brilliant consultant who gets paid loads of money for telling people what they know already in flowery legal jargon, and also be able to do the whole soccer mom scene. I believe that is my ultimate ambition, at least while the family is growing up. I don’t want to be the mom that always gets home after the kids are in bed and leave when they are still asleep, at the same time I would certainly not want to be a frumpy housewife who survives on tidbits of gossip from across the road. So I am going to work my cute bum hard to make sure I become an “expert” in my chosen field and get people clamoring for my opinion, then sit back, watch my kid(s) grow while I do what I know best. Perfect!

So tell me ladies, what is your take on balancing the obviously tricky roles of wife, mother and climbing the corporate ladder?

the one that (thankfully) got away!

i had resolved to stay away from blogville today but somehow i found myself navigating towards it. anyway the reason why i opened up this page is because i had a visitor, a refreshing one but it just made me really think. this was one brother, who impressed me so much the first time i met him that in 5 min flat i was half in love with him! he was suave, charming, articulate, charismatic, great looking, sharp dresser, fervent for the Word of God and to top it all up he was a medical student!now i know packages dont come this good, they just dont its impossible! and i was right!

over time i saw things happen, i saw a dream fizzle out, i saw a light die, i saw a great future just disappearing before my eyes. by the way this is his dream i am talking about ( i never really got to date him- God was protecting me!), 8 years later he still doesnt have his medical practising certificate. so today i sat there and looked at him, the looks are still there though a bit rough around the ages now from all that smoking, clubbing and boozing, but he is just a shell of his former self. i asked myself (and him) how one goes from all that to this? i felt sad actually and i still wonder what went wrong.

but there is hope, i think finally he gets it and he still has a chance to make something of his life. the passion and the drive is still there i can see it, i believe all will be well. but hey, i am happy i let this one get away!

Cry the beloved country!

i have never written about what is happening in my country before and mostly because it has been too depressing.but today i couldnt keep quiet. i attended what was supposed to be a national meeting on the Constitution making process.i felt like a responsible citizen waiting anxiously to take part in my own governance. i had an overwhelming sense of pride as i saw the national flag being put up in all its colourful glory.

well for starters the meeting started 4 hours late during which time the different political party supporters took the opportunity to hurl insults at each other through songs and slogans and at some point heated exchange of words. it started off as fascinating but turned to downright ugly with unprintable words being sent across the auditorium. now after patiently waiting for the meeting to begin i had no option but to stay put and watch the drama unfold. but that was not the most interesting part. just as soon as the meeting formally opened,with the speaker of parliament addressing the meeting, a crowd of supporters from one political party poured onto the main arena and started singing.

the singing got louder, the group got larger and wilder. bottles of mineral water that the hotel had so graciously supplied were opened and the water sprayed on top of the delegates, the distinguished and honourable ministers. i stared with my mouth agape as the ZANU Pf supporters continued to sing and watched as women danced kongonya ( a traditional but-jutting almost vulgar dance) in front of close to 4000 people. i looked at the womem, one in particular, a young woman still in her twenties i am sure, properly dressed, pretty even and on her left hand a sparkling ring on her third finger. i prayed fervently that it was just a dress ring improperly worn. because if there is a man at home waiting for his wife to come home, then as the bible says it is better to live in the corner of the roof than to share a house with such a woman. the profanity that erupted out of her mouth, the swing that her waist did and the heights to which her leg was raised left me scrambling for my jaw on the floor. i sat there trying to imagine what kind of a person she really was outside the brainwashed euphoria of the crowd she was in. it was hard i tell you to imagine her having a normal conversation and worst of all, to imagine her bearing children and teaching them any values at all.

needless to say the meeting was disrupted and broke off which is what they had intended and another opportunity coupled with vast resources went to the dogs. we are still a long way off from political tolerance really and it just makes me sad.

Do any of you ever go through your day and you have an interesting thought and you immediately start to develop it for your blog but the problem is you are nowhere near a computer or even pen and paper so you desperately try to hold on to the thought but forget it anyway by the time you get to machine? Well I do that now and it can get annoying sometimes and it has just made me realize how I am becoming a career blogger! Yeah right I will say that when I get to 100 posts which at the moment is more like a dream.

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Anyway sometime ago I read some rave reviews on a book by a South African writer Zukiswa Warner called "The Madams". now i tried to get hold of it at the OR Tambo bookshops and the guys in there looked at me like i was talking Chinese in a Greek accent. anyway i want to ask, have any of you read the book? is it any good? should i lose sleep over hunting for it? next time i am in Joburg i intend to look for it.

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its a Friday again, ah doesnt just time work in favour of those who dont like waking up and coming to work. i am particularly looking forward to this one.....the reason why is of course a story for Monday morning! have a good one people!

Gone too soon

(((((sob sob sob)))))) I dropped her today! Wham! Right onto the floor. Now she wont talk to me. Even if I poke her she just sits there staring blankly at me. I try to say I am sorry but obviously noone is listening to me. Ah, poor thing she couldn’t have survived that fall. I will have to take her in for examination, I hope she can come back to me, I had become very attached to her. But at the same time the idea of replacing her with a Macbook is too tempting! Oh what to do what to do, dear laptop!

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As if in consololation the song started to play my song. Now I will tell you folks this is one song that tickles me deep within and and make my insides all jelly. In fact the sensation I get is close to orgasmic! I mean it’s a general fact that I love music but this song right here does things to me. I am sure you are wondering which song it is. It is a song by the group Air Supply (I wonder what happened to those guys??) and its called “Out of nothing at all” man that’s my song! Of coz the fact that the song in a way reminds me of a time when fate attempted to make me fall senselessly for a younger man has nothing whatsoever to do with its effect on me!

So now you want me to tell you the story about the toyboy neh? Well upon reflection now I do realize that there was quite an intense moment but me being prejudiced blindly by this whole age factor I never for once imagined the intensity erupting. So I was blissfully unaware that my “friend” was dangerously on the other side and was wondering why on earth I couldn’t see it. It was only much later when I was already in content matrimony that he alerted me to the fact that I had all but broken his heart! You can imagine his bitterness and my floundering apologies which were years too late! Ah shame, stuff happens.

Ok my amigos, I am now using a tired old hag of a desktop so I shall stop now before it infects me! Cheerio!

Just because its Tuesday

I got bit by the bug! I had survived the last two weeks without so much as thinking about the whole MJ debacle and my sentiments when I got the news were, oh shame! And that was it, I mean over the last decade I had almost forgotten that such a person existed. But yesterday afternoon it hit me! All this frenzy, how his death has turned into a mega-circus and suddenly I found myself longing for his voice yeah! So I looked for my old favourites from him and I have been listening to them since yesterday and I must say, I had really forgotten how the man was once a very special part of my life! I mean I was in love with him at some time in my early teenage years though funny enough (up to now) I never saw him as a hunk/sex-god type. He looked too frail to me and even when he got married I always wondered whether he was able to fulfil all his husbandly duties LOL! In our culture we are taught not to mock the dead so I shall stop now….

Now in other unrelated news!

If anyone has been reading my blog ( I hope so! Lol) they will think that I am a twenty-something (hopefully) single woman trying to get by in the world. Well today I shall reveal it! I was really thinking about it and I think today is the day! I am not sure I have a particular reason why I have not mentioned it for the last dozen or so posts but I guess its because I always wanted to make this space for myself, and myself alone me me me the only place I am allowed to be totally selfish! But anyway I am a doting mother of a very clever, rather naughty and one of the most energetic 2 and ½ year old boys I ever saw. And he raises in me emotions I didn’t know I possessed, from fierce, protective lioness love, to white maddening fury all at the same time. But I would never trade him for all the money in the world. And secondly (though not in the least less important) I am the dutiful, loving wife of a wonderful, gorgeous, sexy specimen of the male species! Oh and his smile still gives me palpitations 3 and ½ years later! I do believe I have been truly blessed beyond measure!

Anyway I have a telephone interview today! I better start practising my business voice! Have a great day peeps!

mon...(yawwwwwn) day

I wore a skirt today! And what in the world possessed me to do that today when temperatures are below 8 degrees Celsius outside (which believe me is freezing by Harare standards) . I wonder if I really thought the nylon stockings I wore would in any way serve as a shield! What a laugh. So now I am working whilst my legs are stuck to a heater, ndichaita mbare! What to do. Now we all know what happens when you get too warm and cozy, I found myself nicely dozing at my desk! Thank goodness I am not in an open plan office!

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anyway i find myself in a sticky situation at the moment where i have to question my own loyalties. why does the world have to put so much pressure on us to choose, decaf or not, black or with milk, cows' milk or....arghhh. why cant we be allowed to say that you support everyone's point of view even if they are at opposite ends of the table (in this case bed he he he). i swear i am suffering more than anyone else in all of this!

eish!

I always said I would write a book sometime and at one time fancied myself quitting my job to do just that. actually my earlier fantasy was that I would get a qualification (in something) get married, quit my job and work flexi hours as I write a book and raise my kids! Ah what a life! But it doesn’t always turn out the way you want it to though it doesn’t mean that it turns out bad.

Anyway I am so happy that my fingers have found their way back to words though. When I was in school I stayed out of trouble by burying my head in books, not academic ones mind. I would write all my thoughts down on scraps of paper and would always make sure I have a pen and paper on my person. When that got boring I would spend hours tucked in dusty, yellow-paged volumes of Elizabeth Browning or John Keats or Yeats in the furthest part of the library. No wonder people didn’t really like me, and no wonder I scared off the boys! But it kept me out of trouble and gossip and the usual boarding school drama.

I hit a break when I was in college. Somehow writing about love didn’t seem as exciting as actually snogging in real life. And all the ideals and lovely romantic thoughts flew out of the window as I realised that men in real life were actually not much to write about! (he he pun intended) and I spent my time following around low-lives who thought a great night out is having your girl freezing next to you at 2am as they drink their umpteenth bottle in an open air entertainment spot, then drive her back in semi-slumber state to the hostel and dump her there. All that took away my precious time from me and clouded my judgment about what I was really about.

But hey thank goodness for small mercies (in this case big ones) I got delivered from that phase. And I grew up! And I look back and I think eish what was all that ish? And I am glad now I am older, hopefully wiser and I have learnt the language of love from a real man. And I have rediscovered myself and I can still write yay! It feels good to just be alone with your thoughts and manipulate words just the way you want.

letter

Today I am low. In fact I bordering on depression but I just think that’s being too melodramatic. So today I am just writing a letter to God, my father, my confidante.

Hey Dad

Oh I guess you already know what I am going to say even before I have said it. And today I just want to come and sit at your feet and look for wisdom from you. you see (well you know) I have been struggling and I have had pain in my heart, and anger sometimes, and regret and bitterness in a way. And you know why I have had all those emotions, I have been bottling them up because I always thought it is not right to express them. And I know you haven’t really sanctioned me to have such negative emotions, because they negate your promise and positive word. But hey I guess I have been stubborn and today the first thing I want to do is to apologise. I am sorry for having doubted your love for me, I am sorry for being angry at things I cannot change and not trusting you to bail me out, I am sorry I lied to myself and to you about what I was really feeling. As you can probably tell I am pretty messed up right now. but I know why I am messed up, because that slimy foul thing the devil has been teasing me and telling me all the things that I cant do. He is busy laughing at my confusion and rubbing his gnarly bony palms with an evil gleam in his eye that his plan worked.

But today I will proclaim for all who care to listen (including the sucker-devil) that he cannot take my joy. Oops I am sorry Dad that this has kinda turned into an attack on the slimy thing instead of a letter to you. I am sorry Dad really I am. Anyway today I take comfort in your word that says you make all things come together for the good for all who trust in you. And today I am giving up all pretence of being a superwoman. Oh no, aint nothing super about me. I am rightly giving back all the glory to you coz you deserve it. I am letting you take charge of my life once again and I am content to just sit quietly in the back and let you work the cockpit. I am sorry I ever thought that with zero hours of flying experience I could ever steer an engine as big as my life, what a joke!

It will not be easy to just sit quietly so I am asking for strength and wisdom, and patience, and discernment and all the other ammunition I need to fight this battle. I will always endeavour to stay in the kingdom in right-thinking peace and joy in the Holy Ghost. I shall endeavour to rejoice always and pray without ceasing and give thanks in everything for that is Your will for my life.

Thank you Father, I love you so much.