oh pen, where art thou?

I made a startling discovery about myself, well if I were to be true and honest I suppose I always knew that about myself yet I was in denial. But not anymore. I discovered that I fancy myself a writer but I have never written anything worth reading. Yeah of course a bunch of immature poetry when I was still a teen and that’s it. In fact I should give my 16 year old self a pat on the back because at least she had the passion and the drive to write, the quality thereof is something else altogether. But who determines what quality writing is and what is trash? Yeah I know there are great literary critics and all that, but isn’t writing a form of self-expression, which sometimes happens to catch the attention of people. Why do people write? Is it to sell books and earn a living or is it a passion? Maybe I shall direct my questions to my newly-found writer friend, she should have some answers. Talking about my new friend, I am still slightly star-struck and I am sure I will be more so when I meet her in person which I hope to do soon. And ever since I started talking to her I have really been doing some soul-searching, I mean I used to have huge ambitions about the literary world, and I think I wasn’t half- bad judging by some of the scripts I have done. Well maybe I should take it up again.

Its almost as if the universe is working in cahoots with some dead literary giant who wants me to rise out of the ashes like a phoenix ( ha ha I just had to laugh at myself there!) I had quite a surprising revelation recently when someone I totally did not expect, revealed himself as the creative-type. I mean complete with film directing ambitions etc, I mean it was quite refreshing and kinda strange too. In a good sort of way, if there is anything like that. But I sure hope he realizes his ambition, it would make a huge difference to me, and give me hope that I too can finally have what I have always wanted. I was watching Chris Rock last night (that dude spews forth craziness and then some but he does have some real good points most of the time). He was talking about how what he does is a career and not a job. And that his job was at a Red Lobster place, then he went on about how those with careers should not go on and on about it since it would make the ones with jobs sad. That was a reality check right there, I mean I have a job and it’s far from being my career. I am sure I still have time, I hope. I know most of the time we make plans about how we are going to do things and think we have all the time in the world and forget that time is one commodity that we have no control over. I certainly pray very hard that I am given time in abundance, I need it

mad ramblings from yesteryear

I found some stuff tucked away at the bottom of my drawer and I realized I was keeping a blog long before I joined blogville, albeit an erratic one. But here goes:

17/05/06
Perhaps I should start writing, no particular theme, no style. But just write until I am devoid of emotion. You ask why I am sure, but then such statements are not answered by a why. They just frustrate you. So better shut up and listen, read rather. If I let you. You think I am rude huh? But I am not, of course not. I write what I like, I am free. I have the freedom to express myself, in words, in tears, in shouts or whatever. I am human. I am alive. Are you? Coz many a times we tread upon the grounds of life, unbidden, yet not noticed. Existing yet not alive. I choose to live. I choose to be felt, to be heard, to be seen. It’s a choice really. This feels good, feels really good. My fingers are shaking with excitement, my page is panting with anticipation. Haven’t done this in a while! Its like an oasis in the Sahara! Aah! It smells sweet, liberating.

I could go on and on. And of course I will. I have started on a lot of journeys, though I have never really reached the destination. It always seems so near yet so far. Oh but the destination is not important, it’s the journey that has the thrill. Even though it’s a solitary journey. Not lonely mind you, just solitary. Through the mazes and the webs. Through the slides and the water. Its an adventure alright. But you have to be in it to enjoy it. And you cant be in it if you are not me. Tough huh? But hey laws of nature. Perhaps if you listen closely to the words from my mouth, even the unmuttered ones. Perhaps if you watch the movement of my body, with true concentration on the language, or if you stop and feel the quality of my touch. Maybe then, but only maybe.
Ok maybe some of it was just hogwash yet other bits make a whole of sense. Of course as you guessed that journey like the rest of them was never completed. Ah such is life. I shall keep digging in my archives!

going retro

I am constantly accused of being stuck in the middle ages when it comes to music. I have stubbornly refused to move past the late nineties in my taste of music and the more retro the better. And I will not apologize for it but that’s just who I am. Anyway I was just listening to Keith Sweat one of the tracks he did in the mid-90s and it swung me straight back then. I remember how it was then, when my view of love was defined by the sweet words echoed by the likes of Keith Sweat, Babyface, KCi and Jojo and the youthful Usher back in the day. I remember I would always imagine my “crush” crooning those words to me. I remember how I would walk alone along the jacaranda lined avenue and dreamt, my favourite pastime was daydreaming. During the daydreaming my mind left my body and I was transported to another world altogether where everything went exactly the way I wanted it to be.

well life happened and even though i still listen to my retro music, i pretty much stopped day-dreaming.

am back!

So I have been off my feet for a while now. I like to flatter myself by thinking that blogville missed me! Anyway I did say at some point to my girl K that our similarities are uncanny so true to form I was wheeled into the operating theatre a mere few weeks after she came out! If I ever discover that the reason was the same I swear I am going to faint. Anyway I always thought I was a tough one and that no amount of threatening me with needles would get you very far. But this experience, oh boy if I never drive past a sign that says Hospital again it would be too soon. Its quite strange considering that this is the person who was hospitalized at 7 to get tonsils taken out, again at 19 coz for some weird reason I had a stroke, and a few years ago I breezed through my c-section like I do it every day. Yet this time….hmmmm I was just plain traumatized. Well as far as moments are concerned the most memorable one was when I was being wheeled into the OR and the last I thing I heard was strains from Donell Jones, how cool is that! I shall never listen to Donell with the same frame of mind again.

What this whole experience gave me was time on my hands, and time to think at that. It made me realize that when all is said and done, your BFFs might be there for you and all but noone does it quite like family. Everyone else will break momentarily and sympathise and strengthen you but at some point they shall jump on back to the train of their busy lives and at that point all you have is family. The people that don’t sleep if they think you are in too much pain and the people that will drop everything to come and sit by your bedside. No offence my BFFs I love y’all and you guys are truly amazing but my family came out tops on this one. And believe I fell so very blessed to be the subject of this very fierce contest.

Anyway staying at home also made me a fully qualified, certified couch potato which feeds on day-time television and bad movies! I swear in three weeks I must have gone through over 50 movies an average of 3 per day including the time that I was in hospital ( I had hubby sneak me a dvd player in there) and at least half of them were really bad movies. But I watched them anyway its like I was possessed and I couldn’t stop myself. At first I was doing my favourites only ie chick flicks, then with time I ran out of those til I ended up doing were-wolves and mafia! Oh and another memorable moment is I finally met Stewie! oh Stewie, yes huggies does make your bum look fat! I do believe I have watched enough screen for the whole of 2009 and I think I should attempt removing the set in my living room (fat chance of that happening!)

Ah its good to be back, I sure did miss y’all even if you didn’t notice I was gone! Stay blessed!

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After having written the above, I was settling comfortably to finish off what was left of my slouching couch weeks in front of the telly when something happened. I had a visitor at home, an elderly family member who was seated next to me. He asked me a very pertinent question, he asked me whether my favourite hobby was watching telly. Of course I couldn’t say yes I spend all my waking hours in front of it, I had to tell him that I read a lot (well I do read though not that much anymore) in order not to sound so fickle. He asked me if I ever went to watch any sport well that was a flat no because I have an aversion to sport that borders on allergy. Anyway the point is, he got me thinking. We have (well at least I have) settled into a life where telly practically rules my life. I have ceased to attempt find other things to amuse me. I used to sew (yeah I do own a sewing machine) I used to bake, and I used to be much me out-going (well the combination of saying farewell to my long-time friend Mr B..(ooze) and being a mother resulted in me preferring to just sit at home lets face it, its no fun to go out and risk heartburn by downing litres of orange juice) where was i? oh yes I was talking about how I have given in to telly as my babysitter. I really should do something about it, once I am fully back on my feet I need to find a new hobby, any ideas people?

You know I was thinking when I was writing above, about something that my Pastor said the other day. She said that us women do what is called spider-webbing when we talk. This means when we start to talk about something, we think of something else and stray there and while we are there we think of something else and it goes on until we link the whole story back to the original story. If someone maps the story it would result in a diagram that looks more or less like a spider-web. And that’s so true just look at how I kept digressing in brackets above. Its fascinating really and no wonder men never understand us!

***********************

Ok I am back again, that elderly family member I was talking about then turned out to have been asking from a moral pseudo-religious point of view. He happens to belong to a certain denomination ( whose name I shall not reveal) which believes that their doctrines are the gospel truth and I just happen not to agree with them. So my couch afternoon resulted in us being locked in a weird bible lesson or was it brain-storming session. Either way I wanted to run out of there! And I did, to the kitchen, resulting in the yummiest cupcakes I have made in a while. It wasn’t all bad you see!

Bitching session

oh its one of those days. i feel extremely annoyed and i want to lash out yet i know society ( and the sanctity of friendships) forbids me from doing that. how do i go from perfectly laid out plans which are completely in my control to being at someone else's mercy and whims? call me a control freak if you like but i like to have some certainty and control over the things that i do especially if those things require my financial input!

i am too upset to continue with this thread, dont worry i wont put a gun to my head!

Balancing act

I took a day off work yesterday. I was feeling a bit under the weather so I just rolled over in bed and went back to sleep until 12 midday! Now that is bliss! The time at home gave me a chance to just appreciate life. I mean the usual bustle and tumble of weekend with people to visit, friends to entertain etc always leaves you breathless after a weekend. But a Monday at home, with DH (Darling Hubby) safely at work and my LO (little one) behaving remarkably well was too good not to enjoy. I spent the afternoon curled up on the couch watching old movies with a blanket. I cuddled my LO and smelt his hair (isn’t it wonderful how baby hair always smells divine!) and received a thousand wet kisses coz he couldn’t believe mummy was home for another day. To sum it all up, I had a wonderful restful day and I thanked God for the gift of life.

The whole encounter just makes me interrogate again the thought that is somehow always at the back of my mind. Would I be able to survive being a SAHM (stay-at-home-mum) or would I be bored to my wit’s ends? I know for sure that it would be blissful the first few days, weeks even but I cant imagine doing that on a permanent basis. I mean it would be lovely to be able to pick the kids from school, play with them a bit, help them with homework and then prepare a scrumptious meal for when DH comes home. But lets face it, once you have tasted the freedom of the workplace its difficult to just sit and play housewife. I always think of how my mother with everything that’s going on here absolutely refused to retire from her teaching job, says she would rather work for nothing that drive herself crazy by staying at home. Of course for me the ideal would be the best of both worlds, do mornings only or work from home as some fabulous, brilliant consultant who gets paid loads of money for telling people what they know already in flowery legal jargon, and also be able to do the whole soccer mom scene. I believe that is my ultimate ambition, at least while the family is growing up. I don’t want to be the mom that always gets home after the kids are in bed and leave when they are still asleep, at the same time I would certainly not want to be a frumpy housewife who survives on tidbits of gossip from across the road. So I am going to work my cute bum hard to make sure I become an “expert” in my chosen field and get people clamoring for my opinion, then sit back, watch my kid(s) grow while I do what I know best. Perfect!

So tell me ladies, what is your take on balancing the obviously tricky roles of wife, mother and climbing the corporate ladder?

the one that (thankfully) got away!

i had resolved to stay away from blogville today but somehow i found myself navigating towards it. anyway the reason why i opened up this page is because i had a visitor, a refreshing one but it just made me really think. this was one brother, who impressed me so much the first time i met him that in 5 min flat i was half in love with him! he was suave, charming, articulate, charismatic, great looking, sharp dresser, fervent for the Word of God and to top it all up he was a medical student!now i know packages dont come this good, they just dont its impossible! and i was right!

over time i saw things happen, i saw a dream fizzle out, i saw a light die, i saw a great future just disappearing before my eyes. by the way this is his dream i am talking about ( i never really got to date him- God was protecting me!), 8 years later he still doesnt have his medical practising certificate. so today i sat there and looked at him, the looks are still there though a bit rough around the ages now from all that smoking, clubbing and boozing, but he is just a shell of his former self. i asked myself (and him) how one goes from all that to this? i felt sad actually and i still wonder what went wrong.

but there is hope, i think finally he gets it and he still has a chance to make something of his life. the passion and the drive is still there i can see it, i believe all will be well. but hey, i am happy i let this one get away!